Venom Trade Paperback Thoughts *spoilers*

I really try to be a great comic collector, but I always miss an issue here or there. When I was getting back into collecting, I picked up the first four issues of Venom (2011). My friend, Dave, was a huge fan of Venom and we decided to start collecting them together. Unfortunately, money and inconvenience got the best of us and we only ever got the first couple issues (Dave literally bought every variant he could). It's been years since I've read anything on the adventures of Flash Thompson as Agent Venom. Luckily, I was at River City Comics (my comic store of choice) and found a used trade of Venom (Issue 1-5). I picked it up and I recently had some time to give it a read. At no point in reading this was I not entertained or smiling. The age of good writing in comics is not dead.

For anyone who doesn't know, Flash Thompson lost his legs in the Iraqi war. Being a war hero the government felt Flash could handle a new sort of job that reflected his skills. Thompson is given the Venom symbiote and is tasked with saving the world often. I've seen him on the cover of Guardians of the Galaxy, he's been in Secret Avengers, and he's still got his own running series. Agent Venom is even in a spin off of the Ultimate Spider-Man show. Flash has been a busy boy.

'Merica

Each issue has a point where the government official in charge reminds Flash of something. Flash can only wear the suit for 48 hours at max. The government worries about the symbiote taking over and becoming a whole new problem. This gives Flash certain deadlines to watch during missions otherwise the government will blow up the suit with him inside. Flash has to regain his composure often to keep the suit in check. Getting angry or scared allows the symbiote to take over. It's a great plot device because the suit has amazing power, but it comes at a cost. Flash is constantly in a war zone making sure people are safe. This makes him stress and he worries about the deadline. Thomspon can get scared or angry. However, he is able to keep the symbiote in check. Venom gives Flash physical strength and his ability to walk, but Thompson has the stronger will.

I love how the writers keep the idea of Venom fresh. They put a soldier in the suit who has training with firearms and weaponry. The suit is more than capable of dealing with any situation just using its powers. However, Flash's training has him using guns and grenades. His objectives and battlefield composure keep his mind clear. The symbiote can be worn by any schmo, but Flash has the mastery needed to use it well. Even with Flash's military prowess and new found strength, the suit still has weaknesses. Not only is there the constant serenity Thompson needs uphold, but sonic waves still affect symbiote. There are many times where Flash notices bats or bells and has to change his strategy mid fight. Venom's suit will still freak out and leave Flash vulnerable and legless. I'm a fan of a hero being extremely strong but having some huge weaknesses. These devices make the readers feel like there is actual conflicts and therefore more engaging.

cause bullets!

The villains so far are very awesome and unexpected. Venom's nemesis so far has been Jack 'o Lantern, a violent psychopath with Halloween themed gadgets. Jack's weapons are childish but deadly like acid candy or paper ghosts that entrap his enemies. Jack has a vendetta against Flash because as Venom he destroyed his face with a grenade. The bad blood makes Jack more threatening and personal. He has even taken Betty Brant hostage to spite Flash. Kraven shows up in the Savage Land hunting down Flash treating him as quarry. Kraven does a great job at making Venom's mission hellish. Most importantly, Flash has to fight his childhood hero, Spider-Man. Since high school, Flash and Peter have become great friends. So the fights between them are so frustrating. When Betty is kidnapped, Spider-Man and Venom are both trying to save her. When they see each other, Spider-
Man assumes that Venom is responsible. Flash knows there is a time limit on Betty's life so he acts like the villain. He just tells Spider-Man where she is in hopes that the fight will stop and one of them can save her. The symbiote also hates Spider-Man which makes all this very taxing. I just think its a great part of the story. He's trying to be the hero but having the stigma of previously being known as the villain. He can't work with his role model because he symbolizes so many years of bad blood.

 

he puts Silver Shamrock to shame (Halloween 3)

Venom is a powerful hero, but outside the suit Venom deals with other weaknesses. In the suit, Flash can run and jump like he used to. It's hard for him to remember being the football star and hero, but then going back to being legless. His life isn't terrible as a handicapped person. He has a girlfriend who loves him, but even that's a struggle. Flash is gone for days at a time. He can't tell Betty that he is out doing government work. Betty just assumes he's lying to her like previous love interests. Flash also deals with being a recovering alcoholic. His father drank and beat on Flash, so when he grew up so did he. He is sober now, but it's tough. He makes a point to show a bar with a wheel chair ramp, but a church with an AA meeting that only had stairs. The loss of control isn't just with the symbiote, it's with his real life as well. So many flaws makes Agent Venom an excellent hero and read. People have real problems in life and it's comforting to know heroes face real life issues.

From my personal experience, I've found Flash Thompsens run as Venom syntilating. The first five issues really give you a feel for his struggles in and out of the suit. The action is rather instense though a bit violent for younger readers. I loved the art by Tony Moore and Tom Fowler. I love The Walking Dead so that's probably why I love the art (Flash looks a bit like Rick Grimes). A very big round of applause for Rick Remender who has come up with not only a great story, but a great use of symbolism and conflict. I would recommend this to anyone looking for action packed comics that are gritty and violent. If anyone is a fan of Venom or Spider-Man then absolutely give Venom a read if you haven't already. Flash has been around since the first issue of Spider-Man. Glad to see he is no longer on the sidelines and is getting into the fray.

Just like my man; Spider-Man

Thoughts on The Death of Superman *spoilers*

I recently picked up the trade of Death of Superman. I had never read it before so I thought I would give gander. It's hard to find someone who isn't familiar with Superman dying at the hands of Doomsday. This story was one of the biggest parts of the 90's and had an impact. DC was going to kill off one of their most popular and best selling heroes. This stunt worked, millions of copies of Superman #75 were sold. Many stores ran out opening day because so many people bought multiple copies. I knew I had to give it a read, but was it worth it.

I finished the trade and was at odds of where to stand. Yes, there are very powerful scenes, but does that make a story great.  I thought the story was very well thought out. One of the creators of Superman praised this story, but it's not perfect. I love Doomsday, he is a classic villain.  On the other hand, I thought the fight was a huge cop out and didn't end like I wanted it to. I'm very split, but I don't feel bad at spending the time to read this story. I think the real problem was I was born too late to appreciate it. It is like reading Secret Wars, but not getting the tension of reading it week by week. Don't get me wrong though, it still has powerful moments.

Some of the stories strongest didn't involve the fighting. There is a scene where Superman is on a Q and A with high school students. A girl asked him about if he felt fear or if he liked dishing out violence to solve problems. Superman answers back saying he is always afraid of hurting people or failing everyone and how fear is a part of the job. He also explains that he doesn't like violence, but if he has to fight he will because the Earth needs protection. That is excellent dialogue and writing. Yes, I know Superman is overpowered but he isn't full of himself. The writers took the time to address Superman's emotions and see he has feelings and fears like regular people do. There is also a scene where Lois gets a brief exchange with Superman before his final moments. Lois begs him to run and find help, but he knows he can't and he knows he is the only force protecting Metropolis. Superman knows the end is near and kisses Lois telling her that no matter what he will always love her. It's the small cliched exchanges that make this story great from a structural stand point.

I liked the fight scenes with Doomsday and the Justice League. The team consisted of many "interesting" heroes who are pretty awesome in their own right, but are nowhere near strong enough to fend off Doomsday. Guy Gardner was the first to fight Doomsday and he gets the beat up so hard his eyes get swollen shot. Gardner actually needs help later to aim his ring at Doomsday because he can't see. Blue Beetle gets taken by surprise by Doomsday and gets beat up bad. He gets so mangled that he needs to be taken to the hospital otherwise he would have died. Doomsday manages to take the team out with little issue. More impressive is that he has one hand tied down, so he's doing the beating with one hand. Doomsday fighting the league showed how powerful he was, but fighting Superman he was even more so. However, the fights between him and Superman are not my favorite. It's not that it is a bad fight because it isn't, I just felt it was a cop out. The final blows between Doomsday and Superman weren't definitive and to me Doomsday should have walked away from it. If DC wanted to make Superman's death mean something, then this was the way to go. I may have thought the fight was blah, but it doesn't mean it didn't keep me interested.

One other thought I had was the strength of the actual Justice League. The members of the group were: Fire, Bloodwynd, Ice, Guy Gardener (not in the Lantern Corp anymore), Maxima, Blue Beetle, and Booster Gold. I want to be clear and say that these heroes are all really awesome, especially Ted Kord Blue Beetle and Booster Gold. However, this is not the world strongest group of heroes. I didn't do a whole lot of research as to why Wonder Woman, Hal Jordan, The Flash, and Batman (okay Batman might have had his back broken) weren't around when this was happening but they left the B team to save the world.  This would be like The Power Rangers taking a vacation and leaving Bulk, Skull, and Alpha to save the world. The League comprised of members who are great for assisting and crowd control but were not and still aren't heavy hitters. Again, this was the 90's and it was a strange era in comics but no wonder Doomsday went through the league like it was nothing.

I think when it truly comes down to it, The Death of Superman is a period piece. Superman's tattered cape blowing in the wind while Lois clutches his dead body will always be a powerful image. However, does it really matter now that he is alive again. Superman stayed dead for less than a year and fans were upset. It is in expensive to find a death of Superman comic still sealed in the bag for less that $10. This was a stunt that sold many comics, but it almost killed the industry. This book is a 90's relic best left to be brought up in arguments about who would win in a fight. I'm not saying to not read this story because it's worth the read, but only once. Read it once and put it on the shelf so non-comic readers look and say "Wait? Superman died?"

I'm still trying to forget

Horror High (1974) *spoilers*

I enjoyed my high school experience, but others feel it a nightmare. While high school is hard on some, the movie Horror High shows that it was murder on Vernon Potts. Day seven of my creature features is dedicated to a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde plot that is pretty well done. I really didn't find too much on this movie other than it's other title, The Twisted Brain.

The prequel to Horror U

We meet the protagonist, Vernon Potts, as he is being reprimanded by his English teacher. Apparently, Vern handed in his biology paper instead of his English paper (classic Vernon). Instead of being nice and understanding the situation, she flunks his English paper and destroys the biology paper he handed in (this must be Horror High). Vern is feeling pretty down and heads to the bio lab to work on his project. He is trying to make a serum that changes the user and makes him stronger. While he's in the room, the janitor comes in and threatens Vern about shooing his cat (the cat was trying to get at Vern's guinea pig). The argument gets a bit heated but the janitor leaves stroking his cat. Then his crush comes in and starts flirting with Vern, only to have her jock boyfriend come in and ruin the moment. Finally, Vern is harassed by the gym teacher and gets beat up in the locker room (the most stereotypical nerd hating school around apparently).

What is this kissing of which you speak?

Later that night, Vern sneaks back into the lab to check on his guinea pig. Vern had given it the serum to Mr. Mumps (sick name for a guinea pig) earlier in the day.  Apparently it worked because the janitor's cat is mangled. Mr. Mumps protected itself, but the janitor really loved that cat. As Vern tries to dispose of the body, the custodian walks in and proceeds to beat up Vern (yes, he is beating the crap out of a student). He makes Vern drink the serum and he kills the guinea pig (What kind of school is this? Is Morgan Freeman showing up?). Enraged by all these things, Vernon transforms into a beast and kills the janitor. He hides all of the bodies in the lab into an acid barrel.The next morning, one of the students discovers a skeleton in the acid and the police are called in.

Now they have a skeleton for anatomy

When the police show up, the most fly police officer ever struts into the school. His name is Lt. Bozeman, but because he clearly is Shaft I'll refer to him as such. Shaft questions all the students in the school and finally gets to Vernon. When questioned, Vern plays it cool and answers the detectives questions. Vern is awkward and digging a hole for himself, he can't be the murderer. Shaft lets Vern go back to class. English class is finished, but as Vern tries to leave his menopausal teacher calls him over saying that he is failing the class. She explains that if he comes to school every Wednesday night for English club, he can pass the class. Wednesday is the only day however, Vernon can go to the library but she doesn't care. Well...Vernon's ticked.

Reading Rainbow Guy would kill for books too

So Vernon takes his potion and kills his teacher. Shaft questions the students again and talks to Vernon who seems to be taking all these deaths in stride. Again, Vernon is dismissed but Shaft tells him that in the acid barrel they also found a cat and guinea pig skeleton (he knows Vernon was working with the guinea pig). Vernon is back in the lab when his crush shows up to greet him. She says she is having trouble with biology and needs his help. She says her boyfriend will be away that night, so Vernon and her will be all alone (ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!). Our protagonist is having a pretty good day so far, until his gym teacher starts harassing him again. He tells Vernon that if he helps one of the football players pass a test by cheating, then he gets the rest of the gym semester off. Vernon does not believe in cheating, but a threat here and there puts Vern in an awkward position. The teacher tells him to call him tonight at 10pm to give his answer. Guess what Vernon is doing later?

I'm one bad mother- shut your mouth

After awkwardly kissing and leaving his crush, Vernon heads to the school. The gym teacher is walking around the school because he hears noises, then suddenly he is grabbed. The police are scoping out the school to keep any eye out for the murderer. After questioning the teacher, they let him go and promptly leave the school. Vernon shows up out of the shadows just in time to stomp his gym teacher to death. The police are searching the school looking for the killer, and find the jock boyfriend.

All of Vern's problems have seemingly vanished. He isn't bullied anymore. His crush likes him and her boyfriend is in jail. Besides Shaft having an exorbitant amount of circumstantial evidence, he can write this off as a good week. Well, it was until the boyfriend is set free from jail. He calls up Vernon and says he saw him climbing out of the lab window when the gym teacher was killed. Vernon tells him to meet up at the school so they can finish this. While Vern is making more potion, his crush shows up and explains that it's all a trap to capture Vern and the police are involved. Scared and enraged, Vern transforms (without taking the potion) and begins chasing his crush. When he finally catches up to her, he can't hurt her. Vernon loves her too much to bring her any harm, but he is ashamed and runs from her. While outside, the police see him and give chase. While running, Vern sees the boyfriend (who is on the opposite side of a window and taunts monster Vern) and pulls him out of the school. Vernon starts beating on him and before he can kill the jock, the police fire a barrage of bullets. Vernon falls to the ground dead as his crush comes out and sits next to his body.

I died a virgin! So close!

This was a pretty good interpretation of Dr, Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It was so 70's it dripped with camp, but I enjoyed it. Vernon may have been a homicidal maniac, but I felt bad for him. It's like seeing every reboot of Spider-Man and waiting for Peter to get his powers. Pat Cardi played Vernon and I thought he did a good job of it, even if he over acted quite a bit. This was his last acting job, but he has been in and out of projects since Horror High. Now, the coolest damn character was Shaft who was played by Austin Stoker and I would warrant watching the movie just for him. The music was pretty good, but the film looked really pulpy. It could've been the version I watched or it just didn't translate well to digital. The monster transformation wasn't very unique other than adding shoulder pads and changing the voice. The best part about the monster was how little you saw of him. Vernon was mostly in the shadows and had a skulk to his walk which made the monster scarier not having a good look at it. I don't know what else to say except that I liked it and I would recommend this to anyone in the mood for a pulpy gore fest.

I'm just a sucker for some of these movies and I can't pin point why I like some over others. Maybe my expectations are really low walking in and with that I find them excellent. Regardless, I give this movie five bullied nerds out of ten. Give it a shot when you're up late and want to kill an hour and a half. I don't think you'll be too disappointed.

Horror of the Zombies (1974) *spoilers*

Like everyone else in this decade, I'm a huge fan of zombies. I love The Walking Dead and I've seen a lot of George Romero's work. So when I saw the movie Horror of the Zombies, I thought I would be in for a treat. Unfortunately, I would not consider this movie to be anything less than painful. This is a Spanish made movie by Amando de Ossorio and is part of a trilogy.

what is this? Jason and the Argonauts?

The movie begins with a confrontation between two characters. Noemi is very worried about her roommate, Kathy, and demands to know her whereabouts from Kathy's boss, Lillian. Lillian explains that she can not give the location of Kathy, but could direct her to the person that can. Later, Noemi and Lillian meet up at a warehouse and meet Howard Tucker and his man servant, Sergio. Howard  explains that Kathy is out on a publicity stunt (being stranded in the ocean) as a promotion for a new product. Unfortunately, knowing this information means Noemi can't leave and is chained to a bed half naked (why is she half naked).

Meanwhile, Kathy and Model #2 (you think I remember her name) are stranded in their boat. Suddenly, a16th century galleon shows up out of nowhere with an ominous fog following it. The ship sails straight for the girls tiny boat no matter how much the girls try to alert it. Kathy radios back to tell Howard there location and about the mysterious ship, then radio silence. Howard sends a chopper out to find the girls, but the pilot claims there is nothing in the area. The boat and the models has mysteriously vanished.  Noemi also tries to escape from Howard, but Sergio finds her and takes her back to her cell (then pretty sure he rapes her which I don't find entertaining or necessary at all).

Does Claudia Schiffer have to do this stuff?

Kathy and her model friend have been struck by the galleon and are taking on some water. Deciding they need to see what's going on, Model #2 takes a grappling hook (cause I keep one with me at all times) and boards the ship. She is exploring for a while and then off screen she screams. Kathy, still on the boat, falls into a deep slumber. 

Howard finds an expert on galleons (what luck) and describes the situation. Professor Gruber explains that there is a ship fitting that description which has caused may disappearances. Excited at the prospect of finding this ship of lore, Gruber goes with them to find the ship. Kathy wakes up from her sleep and decides to go find her other friend. While on the ship, we are then shown what our zombies look like as they rise out of coffins. A bunch of rotting, necrotic skeletons in black robes start stalking Kathy and then overwhelm her. She screams as they pick her up and drop her into the supply hull of the ship (it was like a 12 foot drop...she's probably severely hurt or dead).

Having lost most of my interest in this movie, I''m giving you very brief details about what happens next. I'm already disappointed by everything and I just want to get through this. I know that I'm being a bit impartial since I didn't give this film my full unbiased attention. However, this movie is barely watchable and at least trying to take this movie seriously deserves a small pat on the back. Sorry for the aside, back to the story.

The group show up at the galleon and search the ship for the models. They find out a couple interesting things, for instance they are in a different dimension and can't escape (always great to hear). They also find out that the ship is home to excommunicated Templar knights who followed black magic and rise from the grave via a schedule. When the knights rise again, they capture Noemi and drag her to the depths of the ship (this will take them 15 minutes to do). The knights chop off her head and begin eating her (closest we're getting to zombie like behavior). The knights arise again and luckily Professor Gruber dabbles in exorcism (he's not just a pretty face ladies) and he wards off the creatures with a burning cross.

I took exorcism 101 at the learning annex

 Professor Gruber claims that if they burn the galleon and jump ship, the creatures will be destroyed and our heroes will leave this alternate dimension of awful movie. So they burn the ship and Lillian and Howard manage to escape. Unfortunately, Gruber isn't so lucky and burns alive on the ship (I couldn't find a picture, but the ship burning scene has a miniature being set on fire and it looks terrible). Lillian and Howard make it back to shore and rest on the beach. Unfortunately, the creatures survived everything and show up on the shore surrounding the survivors. It ends with Howard waking up and seeing a circle of dead knights waiting to strike.

Sup guys

It's no surprise I didn't like this movie. I was mislead. I'm spoiled this wasn't a zombie movie. The movie was originally called Ghost Galleon, but obviously to get a US audience you need "zombie" in the title. While watching this, I thought it resembled a poor version of John Carpenter's The Fog. I hate The Fog so that comparison isn't doing this movie anymore favor. I hate the story line and how nothing is explained. Why are the models on a boat? How was the galleon in an alternate dimension? Why is this movie piss poor? There isn't a soundtrack, there will be points where there is just an uncomfortable silence in 15 minute long exploration scenes. I'm lucky I watched it in the day or I could have fallen asleep. Last thing I'm going to harp on is the creature design. Seriously? Why are the knights just skeletons in black robes? They are knights of the Templar which means they should have armour, a shield, a sword, or anything knight related. The skeletons look stiff and non-threatening. Every time the knights attacked, a zombie prop hand would show up on screen and prod at the victim as she tried to look terrified.

Damn your hands are cold!

 I can most assuredly say that this will be the last time I will watch this movie. I didn't care for it and it isn't worth the time to try and re watch it. It's not funny, campy, or scary; it's just a horrible mess. I give this movie one miserable prop hand out of ten. Just don't watch this movie, even if you're a fan of really bad B movies. Watch Night of the Living Dead or 28 Days Later if you're really in the mood for great zombie action. This closes the sixth day of my twelve days of creature features meaning I'm halfway done and still more to go.

Snowbeast (1977) *spoilers*

If you live in New Jersey, then you know what a pain the snow has been this year. It has finally stopped and spring has been quite refreshing. For day five of my creature features, I found a movie that was made for TV in the 70's. The script was written by Joesph Stefano whose claim to fame was writing Psycho. Curious? It is known as...

The movie is about a ski resort in Colorado which is celebrating its fiftieth winter carnival. The resort makes a lot of business during this time and it brings life to the town. Things seem to be going smoothly, until someone comes back from skiing claiming there is a monster that killed her friend. The owners Grandson, Tony, tries to calm the witness and sends out a search party to find the missing skier. On the search, Tony finds large tracks in the snow. He follows them to a bloody jacket. A roar comes from the forest and Tony gets back to the group and says the area is cordoned off.

You know what they say about big feet?

During this, Gar Seberg and his wife, Ellen, show up at the resort. Gar was the winner of the olympic gold metal for skiing but has done very little after his fame. He came to the resort to talk to Tony about getting a job there. When Tony comes back, he brushes past Gar and heads straight to his grandmother. He tells her what he believes happened and she is skeptical. She tells Tony not talk to the police and wait until after the carnival to make a statement. Gar eventually talks to Tony where he is given the job of monster hunter extraordinaire. Gar isn't afraid (I freaking would be), his wife is a reporter and did a story on bigfoot creatures. He says he'll do it but he is conflicted since he feels the creature is docile and doesn't mean harm.

Later, Gar and Tony are asked by the police chief to come to a barn where the vitcim was possibly found. Tony identifies the mangled carcass as that of the missing girl and explains he needed to keep this under wraps for the town's sake. The chief agrees and says the police will say it was a crazed bear. Gar, seeing the brutality of the creature, decides that whatever did that deserves to die.

Back in town, everyone is setting up for the winter carnival. As the queen of the festival is preparing she sees something through the window pane.

OMG! Monster!

and dear God, there it is!

Monster?! Where?!

The beast starts attacking, but focuses his attention on a passing car. The driver sees the yeti and instead of driving away in the running car; she screams and is then killed. The owner of the resort was sorry about keeping everything a secret and begs for forgiveness. Gar says he'll take care of the monster and make things right. It's not until later that his wife has gone missing (she felt the need to go out alone and find this brutal killing machine...because reasons). Gar goes into the night, and finds her in an abandoned cabin. A romance is rekindled and then YETI! The chief and his men show up to the cabin just in time to see something run into the woods. The police go off to take care of it. When Gar and his wife meet back up in town to talk to Tony; the police say the chief killed the monster. Everyone is happy and exited... well everyone except our heroes because the police brought back a dead bear.

Some school's gonna be pissed about their mascot dying

Knowing that the monster was still loose; Tony, Gar, Ellen, and The Chief go out to hunt down the  real creature and finish this mess once and for all. The creature is getting crafty and attacks the group as they are camping. It manages to kill the chief hinders them from getting the rifles. Gar takes the chief's side arm and shoots the snow beast. Injured, it wanders off. Gar chases after it while Tony and Ellen get the rifles. The monster turns around and sees Gar. He unloads his all his ammo in the monster, but he is out of bullets. The creature charges and Gar posts his ski pole against a tree as it lunges for him. It is impaled on the pole and slides down the side of the mountain dead. The heroes look down at what they have accomplished happy that they completed their good dead for the day.

I've seen The Edge. Let's do this

This was the pot of gold under the rainbow. The past couple days I have gone through some real stinkers when it came to these movies. Snowbeast has given me everything I expected and more. The story was pretty well done (a bit too close to the format of Jaws but why mess with perfection). The acting was actually very good. At no point was I taken out of the story because of bad lip syncing or poor line delivery. The editing, set design, and monster costume were well done (surprising as this was a made for TV movie). The only down side I have for this movie is the face of the monster. It looked like the cowardly lion got his face frozen after he stuck his finger into an electrical socket. It's depressing because they would show you the monster's hands as it attacks someone and it looked great. I guess I'm too spoiled by snow creatues because Empire Strikes Back did it best. Other than the face, the rest of the costume looked awesome.

damn humidity making my hair frizzy

I would recommend this to someone who was looking for a diamond in the rough monster movie. It was well acted and directed. There is actually a remake that came out in 2011 which is pretty amazing. I give this movie, five screaming skiers out of ten. Totally worth any B movie fan's time. Certainly the best of the five days, but hopefully not the last.

Fist his arm. Then his cousin. What's next?

Kong Island (1968) *spoilers*

The immediate thought to any movie with "Kong" in the title is; "I get to see a giant gorilla climb a skyscraper". The movie, Kong Island, has nothing to do with King Kong. This movie doesn't even take place on an island. This is an Italian exploitation film that was originally called Eva, The Wild Woman but the title was changed for American audiences. Let's dive in and finish the fourth day of creature features.

The movie begins as our hero, Burt Dawson (mercenary extraordinaire), performs a heist with two companions. As soon as the group gets the money, their compatriot Albert double crosses them. He takes the money and leaves Burt for dead. Years later, Burt comes back to Africa to seek revenge on Albert. Our hero comes to get information from a man named Theodore who owns a night club in Nairobi. Theodore's two children Diana and Robert happen to be good friends with Burt and they have a fun night of drinking and dancing.

Sick dance moves Bro

In the morning, Diana and Robert go on a safari that also involves shooting any exotic animal they find. Setting up camp, they are attacked by gorillas who are rather adept at kidnapping. The gorillas walk off with Diana and Robert comes back to Nairobi for help. Apparently, Albert has captured gorillas and put mind control devices in their brains (amazing what grant money will get you). His master plan is to replicate this on humans. Albert wants Burt to be his very first test subject which is why he captured Diana (you know, asking goes a long way Albert). Robert begs Burt to please come back to the jungle and save his sister. Our hero agrees, but only if he is handsomely paid (cause screw friendship).

Going back to the jungle Burt and Robert are attacked by gorillas. Robert is mortally wounded and explains that he knew Albert wanted Burt, so he brought Burt along for an exchange. Burt explains he knew about the double cross but came any way. Robert then dies, but Burt escapes. Only problem is Burt is now conveniently captured by natives. luckily, the natives have this ritual where they let their victim go and half ass spear throws in an attempt to kill their quarry. When he is finally safe, he takes an very sensual bath in a waterfall (clearly this is why we're watching Sexy Bath Time: The Movie) and we meet our wild woman. She wears a loincloth and that's it. Her waist length hair (and boob tape) cover her breast. Burt gives her the name of Eve and through some poor sign language finds out where Diana is held.

How will we know if it's cold?

Meanwhile, Albert is telling Diana his plans for taking over human minds. While explaining, he points out a giant unguarded mechanism which control the gorillas. If it were ever damaged it would make his mind control devices useless (foreshadowing much). Diana is then given a choice; kiss his ugly ass face or get thrown back into a prison cell. Instead of letting her choose, he just starts sucking her face until she pushes away. She pretty much runs back to her cell and Albert shuts the door. He should have stated off as friends and gained her trust and then made his move.

Who could resist this?

Burt and Eva (he already forget what he named her 5 minutes ago) enter the cave where Diana is held. While Albert is brooding his evil plan, Theodore shows up with his wife. Apparently, Theodore had been funding Albert's experiments. Kidnapping Diana was annoying, but killing Robert was a step too far. As he is about to shoot Albert, the wife shoots Theodore. All along Theodore's wife was going to escape Africa with Albert and now... oh Albert shot her too... okayyyyy. Burton shows up and is attacked by the gorillas. Diana points out that he has to shoot the console to stop the gorillas. So he does. Boom! Gorillas are free from mind control and they are pissed. They go and chase after Albert, killing him. The heroes bid Eva goodbye and they all go their separate ways.

I didn't take your banana!

Be careful what you wish for I guess. I got my gorillas that I begged for when I watched Bride of the Gorilla. I only had to sacrifice logic, continuity, editing, and plot. This maybe the worst of the past four films I've seen. It feels like they saw the poster for Tarzan the Ape Man with Bo Derek and took their own liberties. The acting was deplorable. The plot was very derivative. Characters show up and disappear without rhyme or reason. Some scene which are integral to the plot take way too long. There are also plenty of scenes that have no merit that take ten minutes (Like the bathing scene or the Safari). The story has so many back stabs, double crosses, and stand offs I don't know who's the good guy. It's like watching Where Eagles Dare without the payoff. The gorillas are very cheap looking (looks like they picked them up at Spirit of Halloween). There is nothing redeemable about this movie. I give Kong Island one angry King Kong out of ten. The best way to watch this movie; is to shut off the volume and dub it yourself. It will make more sense if you do.

Bride of the Gorilla (1951) *spoilers*

I think it is funny when the tabloids have headlines like "I Married Bigfoot" or "My Husband is a Vampire". So when I saw the title Bride of the Gorilla, I got real excited. It's my third day of creatures and I'm promised a guy in a gorilla suit, this good stuff. Even Lon Chaney Jr (The Wolfman), Raymond Burr, and Barbara Payton are starring to make this an excellent experience. What is the worst that can happen with all these factors?

Raymond Burr plays Barney Chavez, a plantation foreman who is in love with is boss's attractive wife Dina (Barbara Payton). There was an altercation and Barney shoved his boss. A snake happened to be in the area and it killed his boss. Barney is a real swell guy if you couldn't tell. A house maid (damn gypsy voodoo witch) saw what Barney did and put a curse on Barney. Every night he will see himself as a monster and roam the jungle.

Commissioner Taro (Lon Chaney Jr.) accuses Barney of the crime but he has no evidence to support his claims. Witchy woman also backs up the story that Barney was with Dina all night (cause magical revenge is better than conventional justice). Barney being off the hook, he marries Dina almost immediately. Things seem to be going pretty good. Barney has a hot wife, he got off for murder, he gets a large plantation, and he has a curse. You know, the best of everything.

I love your Madonna boobs

Later that night, after the wedding, Barney tells Dina that he needs to wander into the jungle. Dina says that is madness because it's the Amazon and everything will kill you. Barney wanders off into the jungle anyway and possibly catch malaria. Over the next couple nights, people witness a monster that kills livestock and walks like a man. Taro goes on investigations talking to witness and seeing the remains of carrion. Taro logically agrees with the uneducated superstitious locals that it is a forest demon. Case Closed. The commissioner claims it has come for Barney to punish him.

Is that a nickel behind your ear?

 Barney wanders back to his home each morning with dirty torn clothes. Dina tells him not to go back to the jungle and that they should run away from this place. Barney agrees, but the jungle keeps calling him. He can feel the animal further take him over. Gloria Estefan was right, eventually the rhythm is gonna get you.

Damn, I need to shave

As Barney wanders off into the jungle...again. Dina chases after him with a gun to see what is going on. Taro comes to their home and find this magical curse plant witch woman has used against Barney. It seems as though Barney isn't transforming into a gorilla, he is just poisoned thinking he is. Taro wanders off into the jungle to find Barney and Dina (mind you there is 5 minutes left in the movie and I have yet to see a clear shot of the ape). The gorilla has been stalking Dina and finally confronts her. Dina faints and the gorilla picks her up and takes her further into the jungle (you'll see the gorilla, but it is in a far away shot...in the jungle...at night...good luck enjoying what it looks like). Taro finds the gorilla (which is in a tree and you can't see it) and he fires wildly into the tree. He shoots Barney, who falls with Dina. Barney has enough strength to look at his reflection in a pond and sees the gorilla, but as he dies; the reflections becomes a man again. Scene.

Promo picture. Never in the movie.

This movie is disappointing and I hope the rest of my movies give me what I want; more monster screen time. Seriously,  it's called bride of the GORILLA and he never shows up. I'm not even sad, I'm just disappointed. I feel like every 10 year old who snuck into the movies to see this in the 50's. The only redeeming parts are when Lon Chaney Jr is narrating about the jungle taking what it wants. That's it. Nothing else. The acting is poor. Barbara Payton looks like the biggest slut bag willing to sleep with anyone. Raymond Burr is lifeless. A scarecrow would've been more convincing. Don't waste your time. I'd rather watch The Horrors of Spider Island again. This movie gets one gorilla suit of ten. There are better horror movies to watch.

The Wasp Woman (1959) *spoilers*

Well, it's day two for my twelve days of creature features. With that, I watched a movie that was directed by Roger Corman (one of the more well known B horror movie directors). It also happened to be Susan Cabot's last film. The movie is known as...

I think I dated her

The movie starts off with Doctor Zinthrop working on a serum made from wasp royal jelly. It is supposed to create a serum to make its user younger by many years. Luckily,  he gets in touch with Janice Starlin who owns a failing cosmetics empire. Her company is failing because people see her aging and it reflects in her sales (people obviously think cosmetics allow even the elderly a pass from the ravages of time). Doctor Zinthrop shows her how the serum works. He takes two old lab rats and transforms them into young ones right before her eyes. She agrees to hire him as long as she is the first human subject.

She'd look great without glasses

Over the next couple of weeks, Janice is injected with the serum and sees that she isn't changing like the rest of the subjects. The doctor tells her it takes time and upping the dosage could have ill effects (like turning into a wasp woman for instance). So of course when dealing with experimental medicine you should disobey the doctor and take a larger dose when he is out of his lab. The next morning, Janice has been rejuvenated by 20+ years. With her new face and new product she wants to launch a campaign that will put her company back on the map.

Clark Kent did it first

However, the doctor has seen that his subjects have become more violent as the trial continued. Worried, he went to find help but didn't look both ways before crossing the street and got hit by a car. While Zinthrop is in the hospital (getting reamed by the safety police no doubt) Janice has horrible headaches. She tries to find the doctor, but no one can find him. Later that night, one of the curious employees go to the lab and find more than they bargained for. Janice had made the transformation into a wasp (or at least her face does...I think). She grabs him and bites into his neck, killing him.

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Everyone is curious about their coworkers disappearance, but Janice tells them not to worry. Doctor Zinthrop suffered a bad head injury and is confined to one of the office in the building so he can recover. He keeps telling people there is something wrong,  but he can't remember what it is (violent wasp monster doesn't quite roll off the tongue). Janice keeps telling the board she wants to push forward with new product's campaign but many people are still skeptical and her headaches are getting worse.

We're coming closer to the end of the movie and Janice transforms into the wasp twice more and claims new victims. The doctor remembers how the subjects had gotten more violent and how Janice is a danger to those around her. Once again, Janice becomes the wasp woman and attacks her secretary. Luckily, the victims boyfriend hears her screams and runs up to the lab with Zinthrop to save her. The doctor throws a vial of acid at the creature. Its mandibles are smoking, it's blinded, and it's in agony. The hero takes his mighty chair and pushes the monster out the window (wasp woman was not given the gift of flight which is useful when falling out a window). The creature dies by a fall, the doctor has died of a heart attack, and the other actors careers just plain died.

This movie was actually pretty good. B horror at its most accessible. The story was actually very well though out. It's an idea that is actually great, what if there was a serum that could make you younger? The acting was very good, not too hammy but still to 50's it hurts. There is without a doubt a high amount of campiness, but it's a B movie. I thought the movies weakest point was the make up. The wasp woman looks bad. very very bad. She is the exact opposite of the poster. She has only a wasp face and hands instead of a body. These are early special effects, but if I were a kid looking at the poster and seeing the movie I'd be mad. The lighting and sound ques were what makes the wasp woman's scenes truly terrifying.

In the end I have to give this movie three royal jelly injections out of ten. Pretty good for a B movie, but not good for much else. Apparently, there is a 1995 remake of this movie and from the pictures I've seen the make up on the wasp looks good. She finally has what the poster promised all those years ago;  a wasp body.

Now was that so hard?

The Horrors of Spider Island (1960) *Spoilers*

There is nothing I liked more as a child than watching a monster movie. I especially loved creature features like Them or The Creature from the Black Lagoon. I just loved the monsters and the time put into creating them. So it was of great fortune that I found this gem sitting in the Wal-Mart $5 bin.

So obviously, I'm in for a treat getting my monster movie fill, right? Well, I know better than to think that all 12 movies are going to be the next John Carpenter's The Thing. So I decided to give all these movies a shot and for the next 12 days I'm going to give you 12 reviews on each of the movies in the set starting with...

love his shade of lip stick

The movie is about a man named Gary who gets a group of young women together to transport to Singapore for his dance club. On the way, the group's plan crashes and they become adrift. Luckily, they come upon an island and begin to explore, finding a cabin. Happy that they have found signs of human life, Gary and the girls dash into the cabin only to find a man hanging dead in a giant spider web.

Damn kids and their silly string

They learn from a journal, that this man was a professor who had come to the island in search of a large uranium deposit. He found what he had been looking for, but feared his end was near. The girls make the best of the situation and start rationing a months worth of food while Gary takes of his shirt and claims he is going to take a walk... nice knowing you Gary.

We the viewers will finally see the evil menacing spider that claims this island as its own

FEAR ME!

As Gary takes his manly jaunt, it becomes night and a storm is coming. He gets lost and and takes a breath. Just then, the dollar store Halloween decoration, I mean the spider attacks Gary. He receives a vicious bite to the neck and transforms into... Spider-Man

Meth is a hell of a drug

The girls are worried about Gary, so they go out in search of him. While the rest of the girls search for Gary, one of the women is left behind at the cabin... poor choice. The Spider-Man finds here and strangles her as she lets out an incredible canned scream. The girls hear her screams too late and rush back to the cabin to find her dead. Afraid and forlorn, the women swear to watch each others backs until help arrives.

After a few weeks, two men who worked for the professor come back to the island in a row boat (never skip arm day I guess). They find the beautiful girls and tell them that help will arrive in a day or two. The girls are so happy that they strip down to their bras and panties and have a party with the men (I know it sounds weird the way I put it, but that's actually what happens). The party is in full swing when one of the men goes off into the woods to meet one of the ladies for "alone time". Well, Spider-Man (who until this moment has been off fighting crime for a few weeks because he obviously isn't attacking beautiful women as this movie would have you believe) decides to be a huge cock block and kill this man and his date.

Only ten minutes left in this movie's run time so let's get to some monster killing. The other man and the women chase down Spider-Man with flares. Apparently, he is afraid of bright lights and runs off into quick sand and slowly sinks into B movie obscurity.

See you in the sequel...

 Now, I knew what I was doing when I popped this in. This is a 12 pack of B horror movies. I'm not expecting Oscar winning performances. However, when I see a movie called Horrors of Spider Island, I want more spiders and horrors. This movie was more about young women being on an island where they were in fear and felt the need to undress themselves... often.

I never knew where the spider came from (I'm guessing the uranium has a good deal with how it got big and turned Gary into Spider-Man). Out of the whole movie, The spider and Spider-Man only got 15 minutes of screen time.  The movies is an hour and fifteen minutes. The romantic sub plot with the rescuers and the pantie part was, at least, forty minutes. Why? I don't know, but damned if there isn't some allegory I'm too dense to decipher. I wanted more spiders! My kingdom for more spiders!

I can't say everything about this movie was horrible. There is always a silver lining. There is a really good shot of Spider-Man trying to attack one of the girls. The dynamic shadows of his claws are covering her face as she draws back in fear. I may make fun of the spider, but I thought it was really cool looking. I even liked Spider-Man though his costume was minimalistic. The music was actually amazing and I think the sound track was better than the plot. Sometimes it's the little things that make the hour plus spent watching at least kind of merited. Plus who could say no to this...

I'm still a man damn it

I'm going to go ahead and gives this movie, one buxom late 50's starlet out of ten. Not a very good movie, even by B movie standards. If you feel the need to watch it, Mystery Science Theater 3000 has an episode for this. This is the movie where you have your cynical friends come over and listen to them rip it apart over popcorn.