Kong Island (1968) *spoilers*

The immediate thought to any movie with "Kong" in the title is; "I get to see a giant gorilla climb a skyscraper". The movie, Kong Island, has nothing to do with King Kong. This movie doesn't even take place on an island. This is an Italian exploitation film that was originally called Eva, The Wild Woman but the title was changed for American audiences. Let's dive in and finish the fourth day of creature features.

The movie begins as our hero, Burt Dawson (mercenary extraordinaire), performs a heist with two companions. As soon as the group gets the money, their compatriot Albert double crosses them. He takes the money and leaves Burt for dead. Years later, Burt comes back to Africa to seek revenge on Albert. Our hero comes to get information from a man named Theodore who owns a night club in Nairobi. Theodore's two children Diana and Robert happen to be good friends with Burt and they have a fun night of drinking and dancing.

Sick dance moves Bro

In the morning, Diana and Robert go on a safari that also involves shooting any exotic animal they find. Setting up camp, they are attacked by gorillas who are rather adept at kidnapping. The gorillas walk off with Diana and Robert comes back to Nairobi for help. Apparently, Albert has captured gorillas and put mind control devices in their brains (amazing what grant money will get you). His master plan is to replicate this on humans. Albert wants Burt to be his very first test subject which is why he captured Diana (you know, asking goes a long way Albert). Robert begs Burt to please come back to the jungle and save his sister. Our hero agrees, but only if he is handsomely paid (cause screw friendship).

Going back to the jungle Burt and Robert are attacked by gorillas. Robert is mortally wounded and explains that he knew Albert wanted Burt, so he brought Burt along for an exchange. Burt explains he knew about the double cross but came any way. Robert then dies, but Burt escapes. Only problem is Burt is now conveniently captured by natives. luckily, the natives have this ritual where they let their victim go and half ass spear throws in an attempt to kill their quarry. When he is finally safe, he takes an very sensual bath in a waterfall (clearly this is why we're watching Sexy Bath Time: The Movie) and we meet our wild woman. She wears a loincloth and that's it. Her waist length hair (and boob tape) cover her breast. Burt gives her the name of Eve and through some poor sign language finds out where Diana is held.

How will we know if it's cold?

Meanwhile, Albert is telling Diana his plans for taking over human minds. While explaining, he points out a giant unguarded mechanism which control the gorillas. If it were ever damaged it would make his mind control devices useless (foreshadowing much). Diana is then given a choice; kiss his ugly ass face or get thrown back into a prison cell. Instead of letting her choose, he just starts sucking her face until she pushes away. She pretty much runs back to her cell and Albert shuts the door. He should have stated off as friends and gained her trust and then made his move.

Who could resist this?

Burt and Eva (he already forget what he named her 5 minutes ago) enter the cave where Diana is held. While Albert is brooding his evil plan, Theodore shows up with his wife. Apparently, Theodore had been funding Albert's experiments. Kidnapping Diana was annoying, but killing Robert was a step too far. As he is about to shoot Albert, the wife shoots Theodore. All along Theodore's wife was going to escape Africa with Albert and now... oh Albert shot her too... okayyyyy. Burton shows up and is attacked by the gorillas. Diana points out that he has to shoot the console to stop the gorillas. So he does. Boom! Gorillas are free from mind control and they are pissed. They go and chase after Albert, killing him. The heroes bid Eva goodbye and they all go their separate ways.

I didn't take your banana!

Be careful what you wish for I guess. I got my gorillas that I begged for when I watched Bride of the Gorilla. I only had to sacrifice logic, continuity, editing, and plot. This maybe the worst of the past four films I've seen. It feels like they saw the poster for Tarzan the Ape Man with Bo Derek and took their own liberties. The acting was deplorable. The plot was very derivative. Characters show up and disappear without rhyme or reason. Some scene which are integral to the plot take way too long. There are also plenty of scenes that have no merit that take ten minutes (Like the bathing scene or the Safari). The story has so many back stabs, double crosses, and stand offs I don't know who's the good guy. It's like watching Where Eagles Dare without the payoff. The gorillas are very cheap looking (looks like they picked them up at Spirit of Halloween). There is nothing redeemable about this movie. I give Kong Island one angry King Kong out of ten. The best way to watch this movie; is to shut off the volume and dub it yourself. It will make more sense if you do.