Horror of the Zombies (1974) *spoilers*

Like everyone else in this decade, I'm a huge fan of zombies. I love The Walking Dead and I've seen a lot of George Romero's work. So when I saw the movie Horror of the Zombies, I thought I would be in for a treat. Unfortunately, I would not consider this movie to be anything less than painful. This is a Spanish made movie by Amando de Ossorio and is part of a trilogy.

what is this? Jason and the Argonauts?

The movie begins with a confrontation between two characters. Noemi is very worried about her roommate, Kathy, and demands to know her whereabouts from Kathy's boss, Lillian. Lillian explains that she can not give the location of Kathy, but could direct her to the person that can. Later, Noemi and Lillian meet up at a warehouse and meet Howard Tucker and his man servant, Sergio. Howard  explains that Kathy is out on a publicity stunt (being stranded in the ocean) as a promotion for a new product. Unfortunately, knowing this information means Noemi can't leave and is chained to a bed half naked (why is she half naked).

Meanwhile, Kathy and Model #2 (you think I remember her name) are stranded in their boat. Suddenly, a16th century galleon shows up out of nowhere with an ominous fog following it. The ship sails straight for the girls tiny boat no matter how much the girls try to alert it. Kathy radios back to tell Howard there location and about the mysterious ship, then radio silence. Howard sends a chopper out to find the girls, but the pilot claims there is nothing in the area. The boat and the models has mysteriously vanished.  Noemi also tries to escape from Howard, but Sergio finds her and takes her back to her cell (then pretty sure he rapes her which I don't find entertaining or necessary at all).

Does Claudia Schiffer have to do this stuff?

Kathy and her model friend have been struck by the galleon and are taking on some water. Deciding they need to see what's going on, Model #2 takes a grappling hook (cause I keep one with me at all times) and boards the ship. She is exploring for a while and then off screen she screams. Kathy, still on the boat, falls into a deep slumber. 

Howard finds an expert on galleons (what luck) and describes the situation. Professor Gruber explains that there is a ship fitting that description which has caused may disappearances. Excited at the prospect of finding this ship of lore, Gruber goes with them to find the ship. Kathy wakes up from her sleep and decides to go find her other friend. While on the ship, we are then shown what our zombies look like as they rise out of coffins. A bunch of rotting, necrotic skeletons in black robes start stalking Kathy and then overwhelm her. She screams as they pick her up and drop her into the supply hull of the ship (it was like a 12 foot drop...she's probably severely hurt or dead).

Having lost most of my interest in this movie, I''m giving you very brief details about what happens next. I'm already disappointed by everything and I just want to get through this. I know that I'm being a bit impartial since I didn't give this film my full unbiased attention. However, this movie is barely watchable and at least trying to take this movie seriously deserves a small pat on the back. Sorry for the aside, back to the story.

The group show up at the galleon and search the ship for the models. They find out a couple interesting things, for instance they are in a different dimension and can't escape (always great to hear). They also find out that the ship is home to excommunicated Templar knights who followed black magic and rise from the grave via a schedule. When the knights rise again, they capture Noemi and drag her to the depths of the ship (this will take them 15 minutes to do). The knights chop off her head and begin eating her (closest we're getting to zombie like behavior). The knights arise again and luckily Professor Gruber dabbles in exorcism (he's not just a pretty face ladies) and he wards off the creatures with a burning cross.

I took exorcism 101 at the learning annex

 Professor Gruber claims that if they burn the galleon and jump ship, the creatures will be destroyed and our heroes will leave this alternate dimension of awful movie. So they burn the ship and Lillian and Howard manage to escape. Unfortunately, Gruber isn't so lucky and burns alive on the ship (I couldn't find a picture, but the ship burning scene has a miniature being set on fire and it looks terrible). Lillian and Howard make it back to shore and rest on the beach. Unfortunately, the creatures survived everything and show up on the shore surrounding the survivors. It ends with Howard waking up and seeing a circle of dead knights waiting to strike.

Sup guys

It's no surprise I didn't like this movie. I was mislead. I'm spoiled this wasn't a zombie movie. The movie was originally called Ghost Galleon, but obviously to get a US audience you need "zombie" in the title. While watching this, I thought it resembled a poor version of John Carpenter's The Fog. I hate The Fog so that comparison isn't doing this movie anymore favor. I hate the story line and how nothing is explained. Why are the models on a boat? How was the galleon in an alternate dimension? Why is this movie piss poor? There isn't a soundtrack, there will be points where there is just an uncomfortable silence in 15 minute long exploration scenes. I'm lucky I watched it in the day or I could have fallen asleep. Last thing I'm going to harp on is the creature design. Seriously? Why are the knights just skeletons in black robes? They are knights of the Templar which means they should have armour, a shield, a sword, or anything knight related. The skeletons look stiff and non-threatening. Every time the knights attacked, a zombie prop hand would show up on screen and prod at the victim as she tried to look terrified.

Damn your hands are cold!

 I can most assuredly say that this will be the last time I will watch this movie. I didn't care for it and it isn't worth the time to try and re watch it. It's not funny, campy, or scary; it's just a horrible mess. I give this movie one miserable prop hand out of ten. Just don't watch this movie, even if you're a fan of really bad B movies. Watch Night of the Living Dead or 28 Days Later if you're really in the mood for great zombie action. This closes the sixth day of my twelve days of creature features meaning I'm halfway done and still more to go.